It's so odd reading this blog back, because so much has happened since I last updated it, yet I mostly feel the same. Since I last wrote on here, my weight has been up and down and so has my life.
I'm back because I got fat again.
I'm living in a different city, with a different friend group, a different job... but that self destructive side has clung to me. Somehow, I've managed to destroy almost everything that's cropped up in my life that holds the slightest promise of happiness. I've had unhealthy relationships, unhealthy drinking habits, an unhealthy work ethic and an unhealthy diet.
I have no idea why I keep doing this. But more disturbingly, I have no idea why after a tumultuous few years in which I've grown and changed immensely, why I am still convinced the key to my happiness is being skinny.
Or why I continue to eat the way I do, and deny myself that.
I really have tried everything else. I've tried a career change, a lifestyle change, a change of scene. I've even been to the doctors and broken down in tears and been put on anti-depressants.
And yet, in the distance I can still see this golden promise of happiness within skinniness that seems so out of reach.
I confess, I am obsessed.
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ReplyDeleteHello Daisy. I, too, used to have anorexia and recovered to fatness. I used to weigh 93 pounds. Now I weigh 184 pounds in my 5’5” body. I miss being thin so much. At this point, I’d be happy with 120 pounds. I lose, then gain. I’m so depressed and on medication that just keeps me fat. I miss wearing cute, dainty clothes so much. I miss wearing heels because they don’t look the same when I’m fat. I hate the flouncy clothes I have to wear now. I just can’t get a handle on this. Now the food always wins when before recovery it never won. I miss my old self so much.
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