Here we are. Still.

It's been a while.

It's so odd reading this blog back, because so much has happened since I last updated it, yet I mostly feel the same. Since I last wrote on here, my weight has been up and down and so has my life.

I'm back because I got fat again.

I'm living in a different city, with a different friend group, a different job... but that self destructive side has clung to me. Somehow, I've managed to destroy almost everything that's cropped up in my life that holds the slightest promise of happiness. I've had unhealthy relationships, unhealthy drinking habits, an unhealthy work ethic and an unhealthy diet.

I have no idea why I keep doing this. But more disturbingly, I have no idea why after a tumultuous few years in which I've grown and changed immensely, why I am still convinced the key to my happiness is being skinny.

Or why I continue to eat the way I do, and deny myself that.

I really have tried everything else. I've tried a career change, a lifestyle change, a change of scene. I've even been to the doctors and broken down in tears and been put on anti-depressants.

And yet, in the distance I can still see this golden promise of happiness within skinniness that seems so out of reach.

I confess, I am obsessed.

Heartbreak diet.

So, so much has happened since I last updated this blog.

So without sounding like I'm wallowing in self pity, me and my boyfriend of 3 years split up, and it was horrible and difficult and sad.

On the upside, BOY does the heartbreak diet work.

I went from being genuinely bordering on chubby (yes, it really was getting that way, I was creeping back up to my highest weight as seen on my 'before' pics in one of my posts) to being, well.... not chubby. I lost a whole stone and finally went under 8st. Seeing 7 on the scales was the only silver lining of the whole thing. So this is me a few weeks after the break up:

I hit the gym, I joined a band and got into singing again, I started seeing my friends more. And as much as the whole thing was difficult and seeing him move on has really hurt, I'm so glad it all happened. And as much as yes, I didn't particularly lose the weight in a steady or healthy way (I had no appetite at all) I did get a lot of other aspects of my life together.

And it made me realise, the whole time I'd been clinging on to this relationship and really, it was holding me back. But I was scared to let it go because I was scared to be alone. But sometimes, when the one thing you've been so afraid of actually happens, it's the most liberating feeling of all.

And then I lost my job.

But because of the lesson I'd just learned, I really really did not care. I could see that my job wasn't going particularly well. I wasn't enjoying it or feeling inspired by it, so I wasn't trying very hard to keep it. And I probably could have fought for it but I really didn't want to. And if I'm honest, right now I feel totally free.

So now I want adventure. And maybe it's shallow, and totally based on some unrealistic idea that I've got from movies and books, but I want to be that girl with braids in her hair that travels around in an old rickety campervan without a care.

So here's to the next chapter.

Been absent for a while

And I'm going to be honest, I've fallen off the wagon a little and I'm feeling pretty low.

I've been thinking a lot.

Sometimes it feels like there's this nasty, uncontrollable little part of me which constantly feels the need to self destruct. When I was thin, I saw not eating and getting skinny as a punishment. So I did it, and lost a lot of weight.
Now that I'm bigger however, I've completely romanticised and glorified being skinny. So now to me, it's a reward, it's like being starving and underweight has become a thing that only someone who deserves it can have, and a thing to be desired like having perfect hair or amazing skin. So this little self-destruct part is doing things to keep it out of reach. I feel totally like it isn't even me raiding the cupboards and stuffing my face, and afterwards I feel utter guilt. And despite the guilt and shame, it's like this self destructive part, this nasty little creature in my brain feels totally self-satisfied and smug. Like it got its way and will now leave me alone for a little while.

To keep this evil part of me content and quiet I used to starve and purge and destroy myself by getting thinner and thinner. But now my mentality has changed and I am completely in love with the idea of being skinny, this part of me is more angry and scratching me from the inside when I manage to resist food and exercise more.

I know it sounds totally nuts, and I know it's my own mind thinking these things, not a separate entity. But it just feels like whatever I decide will make me happy, this strange part of me just does everything it can to fuck it up. So when I thought eating and having a regular sized body was healthy and fine, it made me starve. Now that I'm more in the mindset of "the thinner the better", it's pushing me to eat more and move less.

Even just weird stuff like, I want better skin and know that drinking water can help this. And I never ever drink enough water, sometimes I'll sit there feeling horribly thirsty and just not get myself a drink. I am always dehydrated yet I'll still restrict my fluid intake without even realising or meaning to. What does that mean? It's not going to make me look or feel any better, if anything it will just make me bloat and dry out my skin, hair and nails. So why do I do that?

I keep getting water infections because when I need to pee I hold it in for as long as possible. And I know it's a stupid thing to do but I still do it, and I really really don't know why.

Why are all these self destructive habits happening even though I know better? And why do I feel like it's another part of me, this clinging little creature that got inside my head one day and fed off me until it became strong enough to force me to let it take over?

Am I crazy?

New Tactic

Ok, so a while ago I read about this diet plan that involves basically having your dinner in the morning, then lunch, then breakfast in the evening. It means that by having your largest meal first thing, you've given yourself time to burn it off by the end of the day. Plus it boosts metabolism and ends on a light meal so you don't go to bed full and bloated. This idea appealed to me because even though almost every girl I know who has an eating disorder absolutely hates breakfast, I love it. Even back in the days when I barely ate, and lived off cupasoups and black coffee, I always had either some fruit or some muesli in the morning. I always feel hungry and up for a whole load of food when I wake up, so I've decided to give this idea a try.

So far it's only day 2, but I've already lost a pound so I'm looking forward to seeing how much I can lose doing this. This morning I re-heated some vegetables, gravy and potato from last night's roast dinner that I didn't have any of, and ate that. For lunch I'll probably just have a yogurt and some sunbite crisps or something, and then dinner I'll have a bowl of fruit cereal and a cup of tea.

The only problem with this diet is, it kind of feels like your day has got off to a bad start, like you're supposed to be losing weight and you've started your morning with a mountain of food. But when you consider it, it does make sense so I'll give it a try and post an update on here about whether it works. 

Now going to go for a swim with my boyfriend. I'm pretty freaking lucky that he has a pool because I love swimming but I can't imagine  going to a public one and not feeling like a self-conscious, overly-anxious giant whale. I even feel a bit weird being in a bikini infront of him, which considering we've been together two years is not right at all. 

Time to go burn off the roast dinner I had for breakfast though. Hope everyone's doing ok x

10 things I miss about being skinny.

10 Things I miss about being skinny.

Here are my 10 (mostly incredibly shallow) things I miss about being skinny:

1. I miss the way that all my actions seemed more elegant. Even just sitting curled up on the sofa, moving around, it all looked dainty and delicate rather than hefty and clumsy.

2. People seemed to be more respectful of me, instead of just seeing me as a tough cookie who can handle banter, people treated me more gently, like I was too fragile and breakable to get casually insulted or joked about. 

3. When I got all dressed up for a night out, even revealing clothes didn't look trashy. This is from personal experience, as since I've gained weight I seem to curve in and out pretty dramatically. Instead of having little boobs and slender legs, I've got massive boobs, a huge bum, round thighs. I look slutty in all the little dresses I used to wear, I've got curves all over the shop and not only does it makes guys think it's ok to grope you, grind on you, hit on you etc, it also makes girls look at you with that nasty 'ew you're an attention seeking whore' face. I never used to get that when I was thin! I used to get girls either compliment me, or ask me where I got my dress from, or just look at me with a faint look of admiration/awe. Just being at a higher weight has changed my whole experience of going out partying!

4. On the same note, clothes in general looked better when I was skinny. I feel like now I'm bigger, winter clothes just look bulky and I feel like a wide, stumpy snowman when bundled up in a big warm coat and scarf. I used to just look kind of cosy and cute! Summer clothes look terrible on me too. I'd love to be able to throw on a tank top and some tiny shorts and just look pretty and summery, rather than an embarrassing mound of fat barely covered by some clearly too-small clothes. I honestly don't even know what to wear anymore. It takes me so long to get dressed in the morning. Everything looks bad.

5. Being able to pull off the whole "I'm just like you guys, I eat loads" act with style. Before, if I ever lied and boasted about eating three cheeseburgers in one week, people used to be like 'Oh that's so cool how she's so down to earth about food yet maintains that perfect figure!'

Now people just think 'Ergh. You're gross. Stop going on about how you eat so much and just.... stop eating so much."

6. Being relaxed about being touched and not feeling the need to sit/lie in weird positions when cuddling up to my boyfriend. My weight seems to dominate the way I will let myself sit. If me and him and cuddling up in bed, I'll lie in a way that makes it easier to me to breathe in and cover my stomach with my arm. If he touches my stomach I just tense up and feel so uncomfortable.

7. The way that when you're thin, people automatically assume you're interesting. If you're quiet, they wonder what you're thinking, whether you're okay. 

8. The way you can pull off the 'scruffy' look without just looking like a cheap chav who has let herself go and can't be bothered with herself. I feel like now I'm bigger, unless my hair is styled and tidy, and my make-up is fresh and neat, I just look... skanky. Before, I could throw my hair into a scruffy bun, chuck on a baggy t-shirt and some shorts, and still look kind of stylish and cool. Even if my make-up smudged or my hair got blown around in the wind, or I was wearing a really plain scruffy outfit, my tiny legs and defined face made it look 'shabby chic' and deliberate.

9. Looking around a room and realising you're the smallest one there.

10. Feeling actually good at something.

Stats

Ok, so I did tell myself to try and stay away from stats, as it can so often send me down the whole numbers game route and when I look back at my eating disorder days I wince at the amount of time I spent counting calories, weighing myself, calculating food diaries etc...

But I do think it's important to keep track of how you're doing and if I'm ever going to shift this bulk I have to know there's some sort of progress happening.

Because I used to have binge eating tendencies alongside so many other disordered eating habits my weight has been all over the place, and although my highest weight is embarrassingly heavy, as is my current weight,  I'm going to include them  just so I can remind myself NEVER to be that big again.

H: 5"2 (shorty)
LW: 83lbs
HW: 120lbs
CW: 114lbs
CGW: 105lbs
UGW: 90lbs

To think that I have to lose just over a stone to get under 100 again is terrifying. But I will get there because I have to.

No one tells you that when you recover, you suddenly don't even know how to dress anymore. This body does not fit me, it's too big. I can't find clothes that look right, I can't even sit in college without feeling too big for the chair and uncomfortable.

I have to go back to old ways, I can't just 'diet'. I'm too much of an all or nothing person for that...

Update

So my boyfriend has been away on holiday for a week skiing with his dad and I've taken this as an opportunity to really step it up a notch. 1) Because he's not here to nag me to eat, tempt me with fat foods, sit around watching movies with me  encouraging me to be a couch potato etc and 2) Because I want to surprise him with how much thinner and nicer I look when he gets back. So I've really restricted this week, managed to keep up being vegetarian have mostly just had soup, quavers and low cal hot chocolate. I'm starting dance classes again next week which I'm really excited but kinda nervous about because I haven't done dance since I was skinny and it's daunting doing one of your "skinny things" with your new, fat body. But I need the exercise if I want to get rid of it. Beginning to feel the hunger properly now which feels oddly familiar and comforting. Can't wait to see some significant pounds drop on the scales. Hope everyone's doing ok and feel free to drop me a comment as this blog is new so I haven't got to know anyone on here yet :)