10 things I miss about being skinny.

10 Things I miss about being skinny.

Here are my 10 (mostly incredibly shallow) things I miss about being skinny:

1. I miss the way that all my actions seemed more elegant. Even just sitting curled up on the sofa, moving around, it all looked dainty and delicate rather than hefty and clumsy.

2. People seemed to be more respectful of me, instead of just seeing me as a tough cookie who can handle banter, people treated me more gently, like I was too fragile and breakable to get casually insulted or joked about. 

3. When I got all dressed up for a night out, even revealing clothes didn't look trashy. This is from personal experience, as since I've gained weight I seem to curve in and out pretty dramatically. Instead of having little boobs and slender legs, I've got massive boobs, a huge bum, round thighs. I look slutty in all the little dresses I used to wear, I've got curves all over the shop and not only does it makes guys think it's ok to grope you, grind on you, hit on you etc, it also makes girls look at you with that nasty 'ew you're an attention seeking whore' face. I never used to get that when I was thin! I used to get girls either compliment me, or ask me where I got my dress from, or just look at me with a faint look of admiration/awe. Just being at a higher weight has changed my whole experience of going out partying!

4. On the same note, clothes in general looked better when I was skinny. I feel like now I'm bigger, winter clothes just look bulky and I feel like a wide, stumpy snowman when bundled up in a big warm coat and scarf. I used to just look kind of cosy and cute! Summer clothes look terrible on me too. I'd love to be able to throw on a tank top and some tiny shorts and just look pretty and summery, rather than an embarrassing mound of fat barely covered by some clearly too-small clothes. I honestly don't even know what to wear anymore. It takes me so long to get dressed in the morning. Everything looks bad.

5. Being able to pull off the whole "I'm just like you guys, I eat loads" act with style. Before, if I ever lied and boasted about eating three cheeseburgers in one week, people used to be like 'Oh that's so cool how she's so down to earth about food yet maintains that perfect figure!'

Now people just think 'Ergh. You're gross. Stop going on about how you eat so much and just.... stop eating so much."

6. Being relaxed about being touched and not feeling the need to sit/lie in weird positions when cuddling up to my boyfriend. My weight seems to dominate the way I will let myself sit. If me and him and cuddling up in bed, I'll lie in a way that makes it easier to me to breathe in and cover my stomach with my arm. If he touches my stomach I just tense up and feel so uncomfortable.

7. The way that when you're thin, people automatically assume you're interesting. If you're quiet, they wonder what you're thinking, whether you're okay. 

8. The way you can pull off the 'scruffy' look without just looking like a cheap chav who has let herself go and can't be bothered with herself. I feel like now I'm bigger, unless my hair is styled and tidy, and my make-up is fresh and neat, I just look... skanky. Before, I could throw my hair into a scruffy bun, chuck on a baggy t-shirt and some shorts, and still look kind of stylish and cool. Even if my make-up smudged or my hair got blown around in the wind, or I was wearing a really plain scruffy outfit, my tiny legs and defined face made it look 'shabby chic' and deliberate.

9. Looking around a room and realising you're the smallest one there.

10. Feeling actually good at something.

Stats

Ok, so I did tell myself to try and stay away from stats, as it can so often send me down the whole numbers game route and when I look back at my eating disorder days I wince at the amount of time I spent counting calories, weighing myself, calculating food diaries etc...

But I do think it's important to keep track of how you're doing and if I'm ever going to shift this bulk I have to know there's some sort of progress happening.

Because I used to have binge eating tendencies alongside so many other disordered eating habits my weight has been all over the place, and although my highest weight is embarrassingly heavy, as is my current weight,  I'm going to include them  just so I can remind myself NEVER to be that big again.

H: 5"2 (shorty)
LW: 83lbs
HW: 120lbs
CW: 114lbs
CGW: 105lbs
UGW: 90lbs

To think that I have to lose just over a stone to get under 100 again is terrifying. But I will get there because I have to.

No one tells you that when you recover, you suddenly don't even know how to dress anymore. This body does not fit me, it's too big. I can't find clothes that look right, I can't even sit in college without feeling too big for the chair and uncomfortable.

I have to go back to old ways, I can't just 'diet'. I'm too much of an all or nothing person for that...

Update

So my boyfriend has been away on holiday for a week skiing with his dad and I've taken this as an opportunity to really step it up a notch. 1) Because he's not here to nag me to eat, tempt me with fat foods, sit around watching movies with me  encouraging me to be a couch potato etc and 2) Because I want to surprise him with how much thinner and nicer I look when he gets back. So I've really restricted this week, managed to keep up being vegetarian have mostly just had soup, quavers and low cal hot chocolate. I'm starting dance classes again next week which I'm really excited but kinda nervous about because I haven't done dance since I was skinny and it's daunting doing one of your "skinny things" with your new, fat body. But I need the exercise if I want to get rid of it. Beginning to feel the hunger properly now which feels oddly familiar and comforting. Can't wait to see some significant pounds drop on the scales. Hope everyone's doing ok and feel free to drop me a comment as this blog is new so I haven't got to know anyone on here yet :)

Old friend, I'm back again

My name, for the purpose of this blog, is Daisy Thompson. In order to remain anonymous, this is the name I will go by. I was once a very determined, very obsessional, very thin girl. I was a 'problem child' at school, always in trouble and always being told I was failing. I wanted to feel good at something, I wanted control over something, I wanted an accomplishment of my own, so I became fixated with losing weight. And for once, I did well and achieved this aim. I very quickly dropped to under six stone through starving, calorie counting, purging, over-exercising and in general, obsessing. 

I am now 'better', at a 'healthy' weight and live a 'healthy' lifestyle. Over three years, I have seemingly repaired my relationship with food, gained two stone, stopped smoking, stopped purging, got myself a loving boyfriend and after two years out of education I bit the bullet and got a place in college.

But college, has very slowly but very surely deteriorated all of this progress. My hang-ups about school have led to me being insecure about my ability, so I put off doing my work for fear that I'm not going to be able to do it well. I'm disorganised, behind on all my assignments and once again, not doing very well at the whole education thing. It's almost the end of my college year and I'm feeling exhausted, low, and most of all a failure.

Despite a part of me that is able to look back and see that my obsessional behaviour around eating and weight loss was wrong and unhealthy, there is still a destructive little part of me that wants it all back. That part of me is growing stronger every day.

I want to feel good at something again.

I want to get thin.