Old friend, I'm back again

My name, for the purpose of this blog, is Daisy Thompson. In order to remain anonymous, this is the name I will go by. I was once a very determined, very obsessional, very thin girl. I was a 'problem child' at school, always in trouble and always being told I was failing. I wanted to feel good at something, I wanted control over something, I wanted an accomplishment of my own, so I became fixated with losing weight. And for once, I did well and achieved this aim. I very quickly dropped to under six stone through starving, calorie counting, purging, over-exercising and in general, obsessing. 

I am now 'better', at a 'healthy' weight and live a 'healthy' lifestyle. Over three years, I have seemingly repaired my relationship with food, gained two stone, stopped smoking, stopped purging, got myself a loving boyfriend and after two years out of education I bit the bullet and got a place in college.

But college, has very slowly but very surely deteriorated all of this progress. My hang-ups about school have led to me being insecure about my ability, so I put off doing my work for fear that I'm not going to be able to do it well. I'm disorganised, behind on all my assignments and once again, not doing very well at the whole education thing. It's almost the end of my college year and I'm feeling exhausted, low, and most of all a failure.

Despite a part of me that is able to look back and see that my obsessional behaviour around eating and weight loss was wrong and unhealthy, there is still a destructive little part of me that wants it all back. That part of me is growing stronger every day.

I want to feel good at something again.

I want to get thin.